Operation Secret Santa
by Merks
Summary: After the Akatsuki failed in their attempt to capture and extract the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, Sir Leader develops a punishment comparable to none other. [OOC]


Operation Secret Santa

Sir leader paced the wall near the door to his office, appalled by his team's performance. They had failed to capture the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, and for that, he needed to make them pay. Nothing he thought of seemed to fit, until… there was a sudden burst of maniacal laughter. The members of the Akatsuki paid no attention, for they were used to that phenomenon. Little did they know of the hell that was in store.

A few hours later, Sir Leader emerged with an evil smirk on his face, though, thankfully, none could see for the cloud obscured all views. Hidan, Kakuzu, and a dragged along Zetsu had gone on a very low class mission called "grocery shopping". Deidara, being the only one in the room at the moment, looked up. "Where is everyone else?" Sir Leader asked, and Deidara shrugged. Truth be told, he had no clue. Sasori, for all he knew, could be off 'fixing his puppets'. Itachi was most likely being his vain self, where Kisame… well, he didn't know what on earth Kisame would be doing.

After issuing a shrill whistle to round the remaining members up, he stood and explained to them their punishment. "You will be celebrating Christmas today." There were wide eyes and slack jaws. "You will participate in the age old game of "secret Santa"." Gasps of astonishment. "And you will enjoy it."

Itachi blinked, Kisame choked, Sasori was, as usual, indifferent, and Deidara? Confused. "What do you mean un? What's this 'secret Santa'?"

Sir Leader chuckled. "You draw a name from a hat and have to give that person a gift." There were groans from every last one of them.

"I don't wanna do this!" whined Deidara.

Sasori was, "And the point of this is?"

"I most certainly will not." Was the reply from Itachi.

"How come Zetsu, Hidan and Kakuzu don't have to do this?" inquired Kisame.

"As an answer to your question Kisame, they're already paying for it otherwise." Sir Leader mentioned.

With Kakuzu, his partner, and the man-eating plant, they were meeting troubles of their own. Like, for example, has ANYONE told you how hectic shopping right before Christmas is?

Trust me, they wouldn't be home too soon.

Itachi wouldn't hear of it. "I will not buy anyone anything." He growled.

Sir Leader sighed. "Do you honestly want to defy me? I can make this so much worse…" he said, the evil smirk returning, unseen.

Deidara was upset slightly. "I don't get it."

Kisame rolled his eyes. "Here. You put our names into a hat, and draw one. Lets pretend you pulled out my name. You'd then have to buy me a gift."

Deidara eyes widened. "I DON'T WANNA DO THIS!"

Lets just say, after a good half an hour, tons of threats, a whining session, and a few exchanged punches, Sir Leader finally got them to go along with it. And so, their four names were written on a piece of paper and dumped into a spare hat.

Deidara did indeed draw Kisame.

Kisame got Sasori.

Sasori got Itachi.

And that left Itachi with Deidara.

"How come you're not in here un?" Deidara asked Sir Leader.

"Because I, unlike the rest of you, didn't fail in capturing the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki." Was his retort. "You have an hour to buy what you need and get back here. Be creative." With those words, the four remaining Akatsuki members set off to find their gifts.

Upon their return, a Christmas tree had been set up and decorated, there were lights around the main room of the cave, and Christmas carols were playing in the background. It was clear that Sir Leader had been busy.

"This sucks." Sasori commented.

"No shit, burlap sack."

"What did you just call me?" Sasori growled at Itachi.

"You heard me," Itachi replied, "Now, we need to hide before Sir Leader comes back an—" he was cut off by the same man fabled to be the Uchiha Madara.

"Before I come back and what?" he asked.

"Nothing…" Itachi muttered, bitterly sitting on the couch.

"All right. Is everything wrapped and in order?" Sir Leader asked, standing stoically in the doorway, subject to no emotion.

"I think so un." Deidara stated, holding up an interesting sized box. Kisame frowned, now worried about what the annoying blonde explosionist bought.

"Right. Exchange." It sounded like an order, so it was thus treated like one.

Sasori gave his to Itachi.

Itachi handed his to Deidara, wondering exactly why his own was squishy to the touch.

Deidara frowned, feeling something odd beneath the wrapping before distractedly handing his off to Kisame.

Kisame shook his carefully, heard the clink of metal, and swallowed a hard lump in his throat, handing an interestingly shaped package to the puppet master.

Sasori looked at his, gave it a good squeeze, and paled. "Do I feel plush?"

There were a few seconds of anticipation in which Deidara almost cracked, before the Leader uttered the word that set about utter un-wrapping chaos: "Open."

Sasori was the first one to rip the paper from his gift, and upon realization, his expression darkened. "A… CARE BEAR!?" he shouted, shaking the blue plush bear at Kisame's face. "WHAT THE _HELL _WERE YOU THINKING?!"

Kisame shrugged. "Boredom. And loss of knowledge. I was standing there thinking, 'what would Sasori like?', and, because I couldn't think of anything, I settled for buying you a teddy bear. And that's when the humor sparked…" he then set to opening his own.

Deidara was smiling broadly while Kisame watched with horror as a Sushi set was unfolded in front of him. "What is this, some kind of sick joke?" he asked the clay-wielder.

Deidara just smiled. "You're a SHARK, un. NOT a fish."

Kisame set his gift aside and set eyes on his partner. "What did you get?" he asked the Uchiha, dismissing Deidara's comment.

Itachi slowly tore the paper from the gift in his hands, and a sudden glare was set into his eyes. His indifferent look suddenly burned with an intense anger, and Kisame backed away a bit, while Deidara hid behind the fish-man. "A BRA?! A BRA!? Sasori, what the **_HELL_**?!" he shrieked, face matching his Sharingan eyes.

Sasori just plainly stared at him. "It's for your feminine side, Itachi-san." He blinked. "We all know you've got one."

Itachi seized the redhead by the throat, lifting him into the air. "What the **HELL**?!"

"Itachi-sama," Kisame cursed himself for speaking. "Please calm yourself. We can't have you injuring Sasori-san."

Deidara nodded. "Please don't hurt Sasori-danna, un." He then smiled. "'Sides, un. I need to open my gift!"

Itachi dropped the puppet and shook his head, snatching Deidara's present back. Deidara looked appalled and reached for the package, but was fended off by a pale hand. "I have something better for you. Come to the kitchen."

Sulking, Deidara followed the raven-haired teen to the kitchen, arms crossed. "Why did you take my present away? I wanna get one too, ya know, un."

Itachi let loose a quiet sigh, and handed Deidara a mug of something dark and steaming. "Drink, and drink a lot. If you do it without complaining, I'll buy you a second gift AND give you your original one."

Deidara's eyes lit up, and he smiled brightly. "Hai, un!" he cried, taking a long sip and almost coughing up the contents of the mug. "Itachi-san, it's bitter."

Itachi placed a small jar filled with small granules of something white, and a carton of something resembling milk, but carrying a different scent. "Add these."

Deidara did as he was instructed, and smiled at the end result. "Tastes much better now, un." He downed the cup and asked for seconds, bouncing in his seat.

Itachi provided one of his rare smiles, even if it still held that evil tinge, and poured the blonde a second cup. Soon after, the pot of coffee--yes, coffee--was empty, and Deidara was ecstatic. He was viciously tapping the table, trying to sit still like Itachi had told him to.

Out in the other room, the remaining two were fuming about their gifts, though Sasori was a bit more bitter about his. "A care bear…" he'd keep muttering. All Kisame had occupied himself with was staring at the kit to make… Sushi.

Sir Leader had taken residence in one of the chairs, waiting almost eagerly for the rest of his plan to unfold. Oh yes, there was more.

After a minute or so of silence, Deidara came bounding from the kitchen with inhuman speed and skidded to a halt in front of the Christmas tree. "I just had a phenomenal idea!" he shouted, speaking a mile a minute. Sasori stood, recognizing the effects of caffiene, and paled slightly.

"Itachi, you evil, evil man. You shouldn't have fed him coffee." The puppet stated.

"You shouldn't have given me a bra." The Uchiha retorted.

"Touché."

"What might your idea be, Deidara?" Sir Leader asked, intrigued, but only slightly.

"WE SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS!" he screeched.

Six eyes widened.

"Only we sing the one that I just rewrote!" Deidara continued, passing out pieces of paper.

"When did he have time to do that?" Kisame asked Sasori, and the redhead sighed.

"I have no clue."

Itachi was looking over the sheet of paper with a grim smirk.

Kisame sighed upon reading it.

Sasori just shook his head. "No."

Deidara cried, "NO! You'll sing them, I'll sing them, WE'LL ALL SING THEM!"

"I think Deidara's an evil mastermind when hyper." Itachi commented.

"Now you see why you don't give that man coffee."

"Shut it, burlap sack."

"_Why_ do you keep calling me burlap sack Itachi?" Sasori asked.

"I really don't know."

"SING!" Deidara suddenly shouted.

There was an awkward silence, followed by four men's voices, three odd, one content, singing: "On the first day of Christmas, Sir Leader gave to me: A clay bird in a dead tree…"

"What the hell?" Sasori interrupted.

"SING!" Deidara cried.

"On the second day of Christmas, Sir Leader gave to me: Two silent bells and a clay bird in a dead tree…"

Itachi stopped. "You've got to be kidding me."

"STOP INTERRUPTING THE SONG AND SING!"

"Demanding brat…" Kisame muttered.

"SING!"

"On the third day of Christmas, Sir Leader gave to me: Three straw hats, two silent bells, and a clay bird in a dead tree…"

"Okay, this is bull shi-" Sasori stated.

"SING DAMMIT!"

The next two verses went smoothly.

"On the fourth day of Christmas, Sir Leader gave to me: Four cloaks with clouds, three straw hats, two silent bells, and a clay bird in a dead tree…

On the fifth day of Christmas, Sir Leader gave to me: Five shiny rings, four cloaks with clouds, three straw hats, two silent bells, and a clay bird in a dead tree…"

It was then that Deidara branched off and sang a slightly different line than the rest. While they continued with the 'Sir Leader' theme, Deidara's part went somewhat like this:

"On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Six ugly puppets, five shiny rings, four cloaks with clouds, three straw hats, two silent bells, and a clay bird in a dead tree…"

Everyone else's lines?

"On the sixth day of Christmas, Sir Leader gave to me: Six ugly puppets, five shiny rings, four cloaks with clouds, three straw hats, two silent bells, and a clay bird in a dead tree…"

Hey—They were reading what the explosionist wrote.

"I wanna stop." Kisame whined.

Deidara wouldn't hear of it. "SING!"

And so they continued.

"On the seventh day of Christmas, Sir Leader gave to me: Seven Hitai-ates, six ugly puppets, five shiny rings, four cloaks with clouds, three straw hats, two silent bells, and a clay bird in a dead tree…

On the eighth day of Christmas, Sir Leader gave to me: Eight Samehadas, seven Hitai-ates, six ugly puppets, five shiny rings, four cloaks with clouds, three straw hats, two silent bells, and a clay bird in a dead tree…

On the ninth day of Christmas, Sir Leader gave to me: Nine Jinchuurikis, eight Samehadas, seven Hitai-ates, six ugly puppets, five shiny rings, four cloaks with clouds, three straw hats, two silent bells, and a clay bird in a dead tree…"

"WHY?!" Kisame bellowed.

"Notice how you're the only one still complaining." The puppet stated.

"SING!"

"On the tenth day of Christmas, Sir Leader gave to me: Ten missing ninjas, nine Jinchuurikis, eight Samehadas, seven Hitai-ates, six ugly puppets, five shiny rings, four cloaks with clouds, three straw hats, two silent bells, and a clay bird in a dead tree…"

"Can I stop now?"

"Kisame, shut up and this'll be over faster." The Uchiha warned.

"SING UN!"

"On the eleventh day of Christmas, Sir Leader gave to me: Eleven scary Kenny's, ten missing ninjas, nine Jinchuurikis, eight Samehadas, seven Hitai-ates, six ugly puppets, five shiny rings, four cloaks with clouds, three straw hats, two silent bells, and a clay bird in a dead tree…"

"What the hell is with the 'Kenny'?"

"SHUT UP AND SING!" the three other Akatsuki members shouted, finally silencing the shark.

And so, the final verse of the song was sung without flaw.

"On the twelfth day of Christmas, Sir Leader gave to me: Twelve stupid partners, eleven scary Kenny's, ten missing ninjas, nine Jinchuurikis, eight Samehadas, seven Hitai-ates, six ugly puppets, five shiny rings, four cloaks with clouds, three straw hats, two silent bells, and a clay bird in a dead tree…"

"Thank GOD that's over." Kisame sighed.

"Stop your bellyaching." Sasori growled.

"AGAIN!" cried the blonde.

"THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL!" shouted Kisame.

"I AGREE WITH BLUE-FACE!"

"WHAT THE HELL SASORI!?"

"What? Am I not allowed to crack a joke?"

Kisame growled.

"AGAIN!"

"WE SAID NO DEIDARA!"

"Do as your teammate says." Ordered Sir Leader.

"You are EVIL." Groaned Kisame.

"Hey. I am the leader of an evil organization. What did you expect?"

"Sympathy?" Kisame tried.

Leader shook his head. "No."

"Come on. Don't make us do this."

"Can't help you there." Leader shook his head again.

"Then you sing too." Demanded Kisame.

"No."

"Why not."

"I didn't fail in capturing the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, now did I?" he replied simply.

"AGAIN!" shrieked Deidara.

And so, the Christmas hell continued.

I'd have to say, the three shopping members of Akatsuki lucked out. They had a few hours of escape from the clutches of the ever-feared caffinated Deidara…

-END-


End file.
